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So simple, so amazing: a journey into awareness

Chapter 12:  Beyond Spirituality

It was only after having an orgasm for the first time in weeks that I realised it wasn’t good for me.  Immediately it brought me down, into my body, into the bed; infusing me with a yearning that I couldn’t shake off.  It clouded my new found awareness so that none of that higher plane existence seemed important.  All I wanted was this world physicality.  Like alcohol, like eating badly, it brought me right back down to earth and I realised I didn’t want to be there.  I’d been to, been in, another place, and that place was better.

Although it wasn’t so much an actual place, as an idea, a state of mind.  The idea was that this world we live in isn’t real.

Others have described it better, or described the theory of it better:  Bill Hicks, The Secret and the Law of Attraction, but it’s one thing reading other’s ideas, thinking about them and even believing them, it’s another thing knowing and seeing for yourself.

Seeing the commuters as my train passed through a station, everyone in grey.  A woman in a grey work outfit but with orangey pink trainers on, perhaps she got changed so she could walk to work like I would, and then she put on some orangey pink sunglasses just to complete the picture.  Meanwhile, a man dressed casually in a grey t shirt and chinos, carrying a full carrier bag, brought out of the bag a grey hoody and put it on, looking totally relaxed.  Matching but different.  I like plain clothes.  I thought, I couldn’t have designed that better.

Arriving at Nottingham train station, all the commuters, almost all in black and white, me thinking, this is all background.  Knowing, really feeling, that they weren’t real.  Creepy, almost, like being in a film.

On a walk, going past dog roses, thinking, I made that.  I even have a tattoo of it.  Maybe I also made guns, and nail polish, and fish, and shells.  Seeing the flowers; the irises, the orange colour that jumps out, peonies, gladioli, lilies, inky purple.  Thinking, some of us went crazy on the flowers, others on the birds and animals.  I like to claim ivy, and maybe twisted roots.

Thinking that the birds are on a loop; when you look up at the sky it’s only so long before a bird or usually two flies over, but how many do you watch before you stop watching?  One, two, three at the most?  So it could easily be on a loop of ten and no one would notice; you’d have to study and remember each one and watch for a long time and who would bother to do that?

I was stuck on (in?) writing about the past, so I went for walk, and all this came, written on my phone.  Standing in the sun, which I shouldn’t have done as I got too much sun the day before and made myself feel ill, but I couldn’t move, I couldn’t even walk to a shady area, I had to write it down there and then, my feet rooted to the ground.

I am focussed on the knowing, the evidence, the feeling that I know, not the intellectualising of it.

I mentioned in an earlier chapter that I had gone off the word ‘spirituality’.  Rather than think of myself as ‘being spiritual’ or not being spiritual, now I think of awareness.  It’s about awareness, losing awareness, maintaining awareness, developing awareness.

And making the darkness conscious- maybe anglers leave their lines lying around on purpose to kill birds because the birds eat the fish.  They maim and kill fish for fun, so why not?

Knowing the truth, this is what I am working on now.  It’s so hard, it’s easier to just go back, to get distracted and sucked back in.  It’s hard to maintain this awareness, it slips away, it’s hard to hold onto and the process is tiring.  I need to look for chinks in the illusionary world, to dismantle it brick by brick.  To unhook itself from me and me from it, by making my surface smooth and slippery so it can’t hook onto me, so I don’t get stuck.  How, by being neutral; I even dress neutral, grey long sleeve top, black vest, plain dark no rips jeans, simple jewellery.  Keep healthy, stay away from politics, don’t get stressed, don’t get over tired.  Live in the Now.  As much as possible stay emotionally neutral.  Remember to remember.

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