I don’t feel amazing ALL THE TIME. I am not in control of my thoughts all the time. I just spent 48 hours plagued by a cocktail of shame, panic, anxiety and OCD type thoughts and all the time the phrase ‘your thoughts create your reality’ was playing in my mind like a threat, a warning, or at the very least, a taunt.
The trigger was an everyday event that could happen to anyone: a decision you make, then afterwards wonder did I make a mistake? Do I need to check on that? Can I check on that? If something goes wrong because of what I did… Shame, and panic ensured. So no, I’m not immune to difficulties. Why did it happen? Engaging in ‘low frequency activities’ probably didn’t help and was maybe even the entire cause. However, coming up close against my own mind like that wasn’t an entirely wasted experience. I saw my thoughts for what they were. Unpleasant as it was, I knew what was going on. And strangely enough, when after 48 hours I was able to check in and found, of course, that everything was absolutely fine, that my worst fears had not actually been realised, I didn’t actually feel that different. Even through the 48 hours, I went to work, I stayed reasonably calm and positive and I kept in touch with my awareness, unpleasant though some aspects were.
More letting go of furniture and objects around the house. Thinking of old people whose homes haven’t been decorated for years and who have had the same things around them for years. As they do less outside the home, and spend more time in it, maybe the wallpaper, the furniture, the ornaments, maybe they all loom larger. Because those things are given more attention and are all tied up with the memories they hold. People say things are important because they hold our memories. People say when they customise their homes they put something of themselves into it. Yes, they do: they put in energy from the present moment. Just having things takes your energy, either if you believe in things being created by your own mind; or else via the emotional resonance of the object; or just simply by the energy involved in dusting, cleaning and noticing it.
So if you didn’t have those things, that same energy would remain in you (or go back into you if you get rid of the things and cut ties to them). Let’s think about it for a moment: where would you rather your life force, your energy, resided; inside you, to make you as strong, as powerful and as full of energy as possible, or in an old starburst clock?
Is this why people get old? Not only do they stop moving, they also let their energy drain out into things, houses, wallpaper, curtains…
In the garden today, noticing the stone white goose the old person left behind, the earthenware pots… I fell in love so easily, I loved it just as it was, I didn’t want to change a thing. Yet today, pulling up the vegetables, much of them planted and left untended and uneaten, I’m okay, I’m ready to leave. As if, that was nice, or, that was strange, but it’s over now. I thought about work: I’m leaving before I go insane. Or perhaps I am insane, that’s why I am leaving. I’ve been doing this fairly conventional job for twenty years- I have no friends at work, no ‘people’; I get anxious every morning before work, even after all this time. Why? Why have I been doing this to myself? Until recently, I thought I was happy there. As Jung says:
*As in energy- don’t put it into Things. As in sex- keep it in your pants. As in don’t- sometimes it’s best to share what’s going on.