So simple, so amazing: a journey into awareness
Chapter 10: Erotica
(Warning: Adult content, sexually explicit, may offend)
Love letter 2017
The erotica story I had planned to write turns out not to be a story after all but an email to my husband.
I had planned to write a story about my ‘kink’ after we had spent a sex and drug fuelled weekend talking about our sexual fantasies. ‘Don’t make it about me’ you said. Which put me in a difficult position as I most definitely wanted the story to be about me and there is no way I would want to write about myself with anyone else.
In the story I had planned to write I tell you that my ultimate sexual fantasy is for you to meet and begin a sexual relationship with another woman, preferably someone much younger than me and for this relationship to develop into the long term.
This stays in your mind as it stays in mine. You think about it. You meet someone, or notice someone. It comes into your mind. You become friends. You become closer. Eventually, sexual attraction and sex comes up. We talk. We had already discussed that having sex with another person once certainly wouldn’t break us up.
You have sex with her for the first time. I accept it really easily, you really enjoy it and you like her a lot, so we agree that it doesn’t have to stop there.
You have sex with her again. And again, and again. I want you to do it as much as possible to help it sink in: the quicker I realise this is where we are, the better.
A routine of sorts ensues: you see her when I am at work, you tend to have at least two days off in the week so you can see her without it really affecting me. You have a friend to hang out with, who also happens to be a very attractive young woman who you have sex with.
We talk a lot. I get used to you talking about your relationship with her. You get used to being able to talk to me about your new relationship. I process feelings of fear and jealousy by doing yoga, writing, internet support and speaking with you. Each new stage we negotiate brings us closer.
You buy her jewellery. You tell Dan and the kids about her. From the very beginning, I looked forward to it being that established.
I experience some exquisite highs (loss of control, submission) and some lows (pain, jealousy). When I need intense closeness with you (sexual or emotional), I ask for you to piss in my mouth. I ask you if you want to see her. I appreciate you seeing her. I am grateful, loving and appreciative.
You don’t deliberately say, suck my cock it’s got her on it, it’s more that we’re both relaxed about whether it has or it hasn’t. If we want to have sex when you come home after being with her we do. You know there’s no need for you to shower before coming home- after all, there are no secrets. We don’t have any rules about what you can and can’t do. I trust you. You are a free spirit and so is your cock.
That was the story I had planned to write. But I am so bored with myself for planning every little thing out! In real life, if we did it, I wouldn’t make any plans. The only plan would be that from now on you can do whatever you want. I’d want the rest to be a surprise.
I have fantasised about you having sex with another woman for years.
Yet every time there had been a flicker of a possibility, I jumped on it and put it out. I sincerely apologise to you for that. You met a woman with great tits and into NLP and spirituality on a train. You struck up a friendship with L and she went on and on about how amazing you were, how attractive. And more recently, X. I’m sorry. But I didn’t know anything then.
I thought that feeling jealous meant that I didn’t or couldn’t want to do it in real life. But reading on the internet, they all feel jealous, that seems to be part of it; and jealousy isn’t about the act itself, it’s about fear and insecurity. If you have no fear or insecurity, you have no real jealousy.
I know it looks as though I had it all planned out, but that’s only because I imagined it, explored it, worked through it and wrote about it, all to get me to this point.
At this point it could go several ways.
Maybe nothing will happen and we’ll just talk about it in bed. Like at Christmas, me on all fours, you fucking me with your fingers, me saying Oh my God, I’m sorry, there must be something wrong with me, I can’t help it, I just get so turned on by It. You saying: It’s okay, it’s hot, I like it.
Maybe you’ll explore apps (there are several designed specifically for people in open relationships, or for people to hook up with people in open relationships, meaning that the women know from the start what they are getting themselves into.) Maybe you’ll go totally crazy and take us on a sexual and emotional rollercoaster ride.
Or maybe you might, just might, next time you meet someone and you make a connection, you might just think about it… let the idea sit… let whatever happens, happens.
I finish the email and press send. A whole day of knicker-soaking anticipation consumes me. I don’t expect a long reply, I know you how much you hate typing. But when your message comes, it takes my breath away.