Those of you that have read previous blogs will be aware that my husband and I have been experimenting with tearing ourselves away from wild and crazy sex and practising abstinence, karezza, or at least some measure of control.
Up until now this has largely taken the form of imposing rules on ourselves, not only about when and how much to have sex and orgasms, but also rules around behaviour, in order to ‘make it easier’.
Us being us, these rules fluctuate week to week and are frequently broken, but nonetheless, we have given it a go. Things like no groping each other, no kissing, no spoon cuddling in bed, no getting naked, no looking at each other ‘like that’.
And then at the prescribed time, usually the weekend, we ‘switch it on’ or set ourselves free and turn, briefly, into sex maniacs again for 48 hours. Well sometimes we do, sometimes we might be more restrained than that, but it is basically on or off.
And even though one of ‘our songs ‘ is called All Or Nothing, this approach didn’t actually work all that well for us.
Although we talked about it a lot, it wasn’t until we did things differently that we realised why, and more importantly, what might help it work in the future.
So the other night, we got into bed, it was the weekend but one of us had floated the idea of that not necessarily meaning we had to have sex, so neither of us were sure, although both were prepared to do it if the other one wanted to. We ended up having a kiss and a cuddle and falling into a deep and refreshing sleep.
The next morning we woke up, kissed, cuddled and then talked: my husband said, I feel like I am on the edge of a precipice. I said, perhaps we should follow the American virgins* and only do it if we are really sure. We also reflected on how nice it was, and how satisfying, to be intimate and affectionate, without having sex. I realised then what I hadn’t liked about the ‘All Or Nothing’ approach: the having to switch off and on my sexuality and my affection. I want to be able to be warm and affectionate and to feel sexy and attractive, according to the mood and colour of the present moment, not the day on the calendar. I think we can do this, and that a more natural approach will work better for us.
*This is in no way meant to offend any Americans, it was just me referring to True Love Waits and those kinds of movements, which we don’t really have, or don’t have to such an extent, in the UK.